This post is for the many married people out there whose hearts are aching and longing for the reciprocity of emotion and intimacy from their spouse. Those who feel alone despite having someone that vowed “to honor and cherish” him/her. Many people out there don’t want to do life on their own, but feel forced into it. I want to talk to those people today.
Just a reminder about this series… It’s called:
FALL. noun. the result of doing life on your own
We are meant to do life together. And in marriage, we make a vow that we will do life together until there is no longer breath on our lungs. Unfortunately, some people take this more seriously than others. Unfortunately, over time, things change… people change… and distance gets created. Blame is often placed. Feelings are often hurt. Crude words are often exchanged. Togetherness and intimacy are only things of the past. And that is deeply painful. Reaching a point where you are doing life on your own, ever-longing for the person sleeping next to you to simply reach out and join you once again.
If this is you, please do not believe the lie that you are doomed to “FALL” because your other half is being torn from you. Doing life alone is never thrust upon someone, it is a choice. You of course are not choosing who withdraws from you, but you can choose whether or not you remain alone or if you step out and seek the support you desperately need at a time like this.
I am going to share 5 things to avoid for those who are lacking and longing for togetherness and intimacy with their spouse:
- Do NOT seek comfort from someone of the opposite sex.
You are extremely vulnerable at this time and pursing time with the opposite sex will not help you toward your end goal or re-engaging your spouse. At best you will be in a place of emotional cheating. Just because your spouse is not providing you the emotional support you crave, getting it from another person of the opposite sex is not justified. I’m not saying it will 100% end up in an affair… but I am saying that we are all weak and all capable of getting to places we never imagined we would.
- Do NOT seek fulfillment in your children.
So many women (and I’m sure some fellas too!) fall to this. Your spouse is emotionally distant, so you cling to your children and make them your world. You absolutely need to care for your children, but your children were never meant to be your world. They grow up, they start their own families, and they will not be there for you at all times… not because they don’t care… but because that is how life works. You also run the risk of talking poorly about your spouse to your children and marring their relationship as well.
- Do NOT complain about your spouse on social media or make a mockery of him/her to others.
This will cause further divide, keep you focused on the negative things about your spouse, decrease your willingness to engage, give your spouse fuel for why he/she does not want to be close to you, and makes you look like a bitter/annoying/whiny person. I don’t know of anyone that is like, “YES! So and so is complaining about how much their spouse sucks! I totally aspire to be like that!
Do NOT allow yourself to believe that everything is in your spouse’s hands.
This is a sign that you too have given up on togetherness and intimacy. Instead of pointing out how your spouse is letting you down and what he/she is not doing… think about the things you can do to add some spark into the relationship. Create opportunities for togetherness and intimacy… even if they don’t deserve it… even if he/she hasn’t earned it… even if you are not in the mood. THAT is was love is and THAT will build intimacy. Nagging, getting overly emotional, playing the victim, waiting for him/her to change… those will make your situation worse. You will likely get shot down at first. It will be an uphill battle. But it the way to reinstate the togetherness and intimacy you desire.
- Do NOT isolate yourself.
While it is not good to complain and malign publicly, you do need to find someone to help you through this. Most likely this will be a close friend who will not just tickle your ears or someone who is older, wiser, and a mentor figure. You need someone to unconditionally support you, but will also challenge you to not stay where you are. If you do not have a reliable source, this is exactly what a counselor is for! Counseling can help you to get the emotional support you need, equip you will the tools to improve your situation, and give you unique/unbiased insight into what is going on with your marriage. If you could use this support, schedule a free online 20 minute consultation with me now to take control of your situation and get on track for positive change.